Friday, April 27, 2012

He will never understand....

He will never understand, how pain can flood a heart. He may never understand how sorrow last and never parts. how on the outside a smile can be show. but in the inside your in the storm wasting away alone. Every small thing that is done will be micro watched to a tee. to protect what is left of the person that use to be me. to others she seemed so strong and so happy. but her soul hurts everyday for the sorrow hurts worst than a slap you see. so you see he will never the simple things he does..raises suspicion when there is no need. all because of he past. how multi locks chime around her, when she hides nothing.
He will never understand what all she has lost and sacrificed for him. just to keep him in her life. only to have him return and cut her with the proverbial knife. while she lost everything he gained so much. was given gifts and tokens to make his stay more bearable. her life was ripped apart. her home was placed in danger. the food was pulled from her mouth. the money to pay bills gone. all that she had was taken from her. now each day she must look at him and know that she may have gained him. but she lost all she had in the process and will never ever be repaid for it. and that he does not care what she lost. he only is pleased he has his gadgets and free stuff.
the tears fall down her face. the vomit falls from her mouth, the strength she used to fight for him all gone. who she once was. is dead. and she does not wish to be any more. cause she never did anything wrong. yet she was the one in the end that was punished in some way. sorrow hurts. an he will never understand.

blessed be

Thursday, April 26, 2012


this blog goes out to some amazing people this wiccan sister Rosie posey. who reminds me..that its not normal for me to have a pity party. for my sis Dorothy for reminding me that yep there are some heathens out there but we will rise above it. my brother Joe-Joe who reminded me to be a Lil Yoda an madea mixed. an to Jenn for letting me see that there has to be a positive to each negative.
so to all of you..i say this..the sun may set on one part of my journey, the dust may land on my shoulders heavy. the lights may go out for i may not see. but the goddess continues to walk with me. for to the left of me is my hubby standing tall, to the right of me is my son proud and true, at my back is my mother supporting me through it all. the goddess shines a light around me..through my soul. yes it may dim at time. so dim that i do not feel i can go on. but like the phoenix i will rise again. for that is the mold i was made in. she did not design me as a Fae something light and lives only once, nor did she she design me as orge. some towering but can be destroyed. she made me a phoenix for a reason...cause i had a purpose that only she new. a mission more precious than just waking up an putting on my shoes. i am here to show others what you can survive. to put a smile on the faces of those in need, to carry heavy loads till i can not anymore. heal with my tears, an then shed my burdens into the flame an rise once more reborn from the ashes anew to do it again. i am a phoenix. proud. so yes i got bills, yes i got struggles, but damn it i got some good stuff, i size 16 shorts that are starting to fall off me, my boobs haven't shrank, and i got my man by my side at home for good after all these months apart. a wonder witchlet son who loves us. an a mom that supports me. an so many non blood sisters and brothers that stand by my side and give me support when my own blood family refuses to. so for that..i say this...i rise...i rise...i rise..i may have stumbled and had pity..but this damn phoenix continues to rise. i rise an sore the sky along side such creatures of wonder. an remember just cause you do not see them. does not mean they do not exist. blessed be

one other thing. when you become consumed with what you do not have, or how screwed up life has become you lose sight of the wonderful things you do have. you clip your own wings. you extinguish your own flames. the fact is. yes we all have some sorta struggles. not everyone complains non stop about them. not everyone even lets people know they exist at all. i share mine in hopes that those people that battle with bipolar, and ptsd. understand there is a outlet to discuss or express themselves even if for a moment. open up and share a feeling or emotion for a moment. instead of doing something harmful to yourself. some may not understand why i do from time to time stumble an when i do i express it. but it is part of my mental conditions and i do not hide it. i can not hide any part of me. cause if my life helps someone else to feel as if they are not alone in this world for one second than i am doing the goddess work. blessed be. merry meet merry part merry meet again.


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