Friday, December 28, 2012

Remember Your Battle Is Not Your Children's Battle to Fight



In life you must remember that your battle is not your children's battle to fight. The children in this world are innocent until we create and shape their mind differently. When I was young I could remember harsh words being said about people, quick glances back towards me and a stern statement of "do not repeat that". but not once do I remember anyone telling me that I could or could not play with someone else's children. make contact with there children. At times when the adults friendships and relationships would end suddenly those friendships I had made over time with the children and young adults of those families also went poof. No warning. All I knew was that suddenly no one called me. No mail came to my house. No notes were sent via my family members to me. There never was a explanation to me by the adults either. No adult took the time nor had the faith or common knowledge to comprehend that not all children are as young in mind as they are in age. That some are old souls walking around in young bodies.
No in the present I am the parent. I raise my child in the morals and values I designed prior to his birth. The list in created in my head and on paper of things I wanted instilled into my son. One thing was to always be honest. Never lie. Yes I do mean never. Some people say that is not possible. Wanna bet. the second he was removed via c section. they held him up for me to see. and instead of saying oh how beautiful he was. how handsome he was. I looked at him. I told him . hi dragon I'm your mom. BTW (insert information about holiday myths). nurse gasped. my friend in the room with me laughed . and I just said OK..now you can clean him up. He entered the world being told the truth. I have been blunt thus far and no matter how embarrassing the question is I Continue to answer it. it keeps us honest with each other. That brings me to my original statement. Your battle is not your children's battle to fight. You see I say this because children as long as you keep there mind innocent. and allow them to know the truth of what is going on in life. allow them the opportunities to recognize the things around them. and give them credit that they are smart enough even at a young age to recognize when something is not right in there lives. children will amaze you. My son is one that does that. I do not tell him who he can like. He actually is told that if he wants to spend time with someone that I am not on speaking terms with. I will gladly take my strong med, just so he can. and he knows I have done it enough times to prove my love for him. But you see my son recognizes thanks to what the school teaches him and the morals I teach him. What is right and what is wrong. a child will decide on there own. And always know that even if today they ask you if they can skip visiting with someone cause they do not like that they ignore them. Know that a year from now that may change. But remember simply..you are a grown up..do not force your children to hate people because you do. allow there lives to be happy and if that means you gotta suck it the hell up and grow up and smile and sit in a corner and not talk to people while your children play and visit. than guess what sunshine. be a good parent and do it. cause a happy child is more important than your ego. remember if you raise your child right. they will discover on their own that whether someone is right for there life or not. Trust me..my son has proven this to me with many adults. and I can say each time I was shocked but proud that he learned it on his own.
So remember Stay strong, stay positive and allow your children to use the tools you instilled in them. To grow up into who they wish to become. But do not ask them to find hate in themselves for someone just because you do. For that is robbing a child of one of the best gifts he or she has. Innocence.
Blessed Be

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Sometimes your children will suprise you the most

Sometimes the most amazing things that happens in life is that a child surprises you. Most people believe that children are shallow and only think of themselves. That they want want want. But this is not always true. Take me for instance.. my mother had surgery to replace her knee. and even though I was in severe pain I put every thing i had scheduled that day on hold. rescheduled every bit  of it and sat in pain. with severe society anxiety disorder in a crowded place to be there for here. I have continued to be there for her each day. via text, cooking for her, anything she needs. and I do not want, nor expect anything in return. Because that is not what a child should expect. My mother did not ask me for anything to raise me so why would I ask for anything to help her now. Now lets look at my son, it is a day till yule and 5 days till Christmas. Most children gave there parents list of 20 items or so. mainly toys. The parents then had to inform the children that  either list were going to be shortened or what ever. Yet some parents are working second jobs just to give there children everything on the list. Now my son, he is not like others. He had six things on his list. and only one was a toy for himself. all the items clearly stated beside them that they could be used. and most were books of some sort. he even asked for one that was a family game expansion item as what he wanted.  He has only been raised by me. He has my values, He has what I set out to instill in him. Not what society says I should instill in him. He has my amazing views and my wiccan faith. And my son made my proud with all he asked for. I was extremely proud of him. I am so proud of him. that he will be getting it all. All items were gotten. And even some extra little things just as a surprise.
Now when you have a child that surprises you..remember do not take him for granted. don't put them down. don't try to change who they are. just allow them to be themselves. cause they will surprise you more and more each day. and life will grow more positive in your house. I know this has been true in my house. I am thankful to the goddess for giving me my son..blessed be and Goddess bless.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Remember that a simple thing can effect someone greatly



Every day we awake to the hope that life will be a little better for us. But most of us do not set out to make someone elses life better for them. You see when you only can say..me me me. Then why would someone want to help you you you. Sometimes one of the most positive things you can do is dedicate your life to improving others lives. It does not have to cost a dime. It can be through sharing information. Helping them out with your free time. Handing down clothing to families in need. Or Just lending a non judgmental ear to those who need it. Sometimes one of the most amazing things is to know someone comes to you because you are one of the positive things in there life. You see a simple thing that you do for others can not only effect someone else but it can also effect your own life. When you feel the joy of sharing positive reinforcement with others. The energy in you grows. You then continue to shine brighter and brighter. And in perfect love and perfect trust your heart becomes open to positive things happening to you. Why? Because you did not demand them. You did not ask all the time for them. You did not even expect them to happen to you. You finally realized that the world is not about being greedy. Its about creating a positive surrounding for yourself. And once that is done the rest seems to fall into place. Remember this..Pay it forward...so that your one kindness will inspire others to do good. Cause a simple thing can effect someone greatly. An that is what being positive is all about, right?

May the God and Goddess shine bright on you. May she continue to shine down on me as I walk. May she walk with me in all I do. May she hold me up when I feel like I will fall. And may she reach out to those that need aide. Cause Goddess I trust in you and all you do. Blessed be.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Always keep things in perspective


Over the past few weeks I have done my best to stay positive. Absorbing all the blows of life. Hitting the little bumps in the road. And struggling to find the positive in each thing. I spend a lot of my time wanting to run and hide due to feeling every emotion so strong that occurs in my body. But I do my best to keep things in perspective. You see I know that even the worst feeling in the world is still better than no feelings at all. One of the things that occurs in my life often is that something or someone from my past surfaces unexpectedly. In that moment a flood of emotions come rushing back. Be it good emotions or bad ones. They all crash down quickly and with out a warning. Sometimes in your life you can feel strong emotions from your past from a memory that makes you question your present or your future. But I say this, Always Keep Things In Perspective. Cause you have to remember why those things are not in your present actively. I can admit that at times I forget that, but I work hard to quickly remind myself of that. And if I am taking to long the Goddess usually works really hard to smack me hard enough to wake me up from a memory moment. She has guided me away from some things and some people and even if she allows me to have free will and freedom to have anyone I want in my life. The Goddess does everything in her power if you come to her with a true heart. To keep you capable of seeing the truth even through all the lies. So my little message in this post is simple. Keep things in Perspective. Remember not only the good things that created those memories but Never forget the bad things too. You can forgive the bad things. But learn from them. Love yourself enough to not allow yourself to fall prey to emotions that may not be real. Love yourself cause with out loving yourself no one else truly will. Goddess thank you for walking with me, and keeping my heart strong, my soul pure and my spirit shining bright.
May the goddess walk with you.
blessed be

Thursday, December 13, 2012

You must remember to love yourself



One of the things I have learned over my life is that we as humans tend to forget to love ourselves. I fight so hard to get others to love us. Fight so hard to make people in our lives look at us and see us for what we really are. But the one thing we tend to forget is that if someone chooses to not be a positive in our life. Then one of the biggest gifts we can do for ourselves is to remember that sometimes Loving ourselves is letting others go. I am not gonna lie to you and say "oh it is easy". Nope not even gonna dare lie to you. The thing is though letting go of negativity be it physical or emotional is not a easy task. It takes a true amount of love in ones self to do this. The journey may be hard. The road may be bumpy. Heck you may even slip , trip and land on the side of the road for a little while. But if you can love yourself and find the strength to follow through then it is truly worth every minute of it. Living life is not about living it half way. Its about living your life to the fullest. Live your life and be happy. Take the first step in finding love and happiness, Love yourself. Welcome positive things in your life. And let go of the things and people that are not beneficial to your life.
I thank you for sharing in my words and I thank Goddess for keeping me strong and pulling me up when I slip or feel weak. Goddess I walk with you. Blessed be.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Just because someone breaks a promise does not mean you are broken



As I have learned recently life does not have to effect you as bad as you make it. One thing I have learned is that. Just because someone breaks a promise to you it does not mean your broken. We all know that promises in life are extremely important to most of us. The promise to be there, the promise to aid someone in a situation, the promise to love someone, the promise to stay faithful, the promise not to lie. So many promises people make. When someone lets you down with one of these promises. You feel like your life has ended. Like there is something wrong with you. Like you did something wrong to cause it. But sometimes you just need to realize that you are not the one who is broken.
Sometimes it is plain and simple and not that complicated to understand. People can and will let you down. Some people will let you down to the point that it cuts you deeply. or any hope you had of something getting better falls through. But yet i still say you are not the one that is broken. You see when a person makes a choice to turn there back on a promise they in a sense makes a choice to accept the karma that will come along with hurting some one. The make a open minded choice to accept that they will become untrustworthy. And that their word is not worth a pile of cow dung to some. Maybe it is that person who has the issues maybe situations arouse  but above anything else. know that even when someone breaks a promise to you and makes your heart feel broken. You are not truly broken. you are actually able to take the situation and grow with it. learn from it. and in it find something good. even if it is as simple as knowing that you gave someone a chance to be honest.
The goddess walks with you. so smile and know that you are loved. Thank you goddess for giving me strength to spread your message and touch someone once again. blessed be

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Even when your life is hectic take time to be Blessed


Even when your life is to hectic to stop and breath. You should always take a moment to remember you are blessed. You see every second you have in life on this earth is a blessing. For every breath you take. There is someone else that did not get to take that breath. Every ounce of pain you feel in your body that you curse at and scream about. Begging to just be killed because of. Instead of saying kill me. Ask for strength to handle it. Cause there is someone that is laying at rest unable to feel anything at all. You see when you complain of all the little things that make your life so hectic. You sometimes forget to just stop, take a deep breath and actually BE BLESSED that you have that life to begin with. 
You may say now why would I want to keep such a positive attitude when life is so hectic. It is simple, cause when I am feeling these things in life. Someone else is not able to. When i seen the things I am seeing I am seeing. There is someone in life that did not make it to see another day. And when I am living a life that may not be all sunshine and rainbows but it is at least livable. There is someone in this life that did not live to see the sunshine for another day. You see as you now sit and think..just remember one simple thing...no matter what pain you feel, how tired you get, life will get better for you. But there is someone that did not wake up to see another day. blessed be and always remember that life is never as bad as it seems. May the goddess walk with you. Blessed Be

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Purge the negativity from yourself



As life continues to complete its circle each person will acquire a certain amount of negativity. Through out life it is our job to purge it from ourselves. We must find the strength and knowledge to know what is right and wrong for us. We must accept that the things that may have been accepted in our lives once may not be ok now. We must love ourselves enough to want inner peace. We must want to bring happiness into our lives. We must find the strength to Purge The Negativity From Ourselves. You can find inner peace. Just accept that life is not about being always right. Life is not about being negative. Life is about finding your happiness and growing as a human being. You are loved. But above all love yourself. Goddess thank you for  continuing to walk with me. Shine the light upon my path and continue to guide me. Blessed be.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Always know who is a true friend


In life you will have a lot of people come and go out of your life. You will cry and laugh. You will share memories and nightmares. Through it all you will have good times and you will also have bad time. There will be some that will start to pull away the more hard times you go through. That does not mean they do not care. It just means that you do not fit in their life anymore. An that your life may be to hectic for them to handle currently. Now with that it also there will be some that are never there for you from the start. Those you should take notice of and walk away from. Cause a friend does not have to be there forever but should at least be there at some point. You will always know who is meant to be in your life by who is still standing when the dust settles. I have learned so much over the past years. So many say the words "I am there if you need me" but when I needed someone the most. Maybe even just to listen to me talk so that I can vent or figure out what to do. Some were no were to be found. Or some became so judgemental that life was not acceptable if you were not a cookie cutter mold of what they deemed a worthy friend. And I use to get mad when that happened. But Then i realized something. The Goddess loves me. She wants me to be happy. She wants me to walk with her. And she will give me all the hints she can before she removes them herself. An one thing she does is to teach me that you know who will be there for you when it matters by who is standing  beside you even in spirit when the dust settles on a hard time. I say this.. If you will turn your back on someone and feel that you are justified in judging them. Then fine...but please make sure your life is perfect till you die. If you can not..then Remember Karma cause judging is not a positive thing. be a friend to get a friend. give love to get love. and be a good family member to have a happy family in return. food for thought. Goddess thank you for the light you shine on me each day. Blessed Be

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Faith is not about pleasing others


Faith is not about pleasing others in your life. No it is about finding happiness is ones self. As well as being strong and allowing what you believe in to be part of the bigger you. Faith in who ever it is you believe in is not always gonna please everyone. Your choices are not about making every single person on this earth happy. We are not all sheep. It is not our jobs to make society as a whole happy. It is our jobs to find happiness with in ourselves. Faith in someone or something allows you to give blessings and appreciation to he and or she that is helping you along the way. To reach out to someone when you need that extra help. To call out someones name and say Thank you when you are greatful for the blessings that you have received  All and all Faith is there for you and your happiness. Each person has there own. An is allowed to believe in what ever they wish to. As well as not to believe in what ever they wish to. Find your faith, stay strong in it. and live, life , love , and blessed be.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Negativity will bring Karma


So many people forget exactly what life is about. So many people forget the rules of Karma. Yet at the end of the day. When the dust settles and the pain starts to flow. So many people cry out why me. Walking in a positive life may be hard but the question is if you do not is the karma worth it. I will never claim to be a saint. For even the strongest person has a hard time sometimes. But Karma is something that is not worth getting at least in a bad way. I cherish so much in life lately. You take so much for granted in life until it is actually gone. Then you sit and wonder how life can get back on track. Well I say this to those that wonder. Remember Negativity will bring Karma. Sometimes some of the things that are said in fun or joined in on are actually hurtful to someone else. If you do not know the entire story then do not spread it. If you are following others like sheep to slaughter then stop and realize you are walking a slippery path. Realize that those people will not reap the karma you have done. You will and when it comes you can only look at yourself and know that you did not have to end up this way. I remind the world that life is not about negative things. You need to think with a childlike mind. For innocence is something that is beautiful and allows you to make lifes choices with out discrimination. Live, Love and Learn. and as always walk with the Goddess. Blessed be.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Sometimes letting go is one of the hardest things to do


sometimes letting go is hard to do. and it weighs down on you like rain of fire pouring down on the soul. but you need to face that if you keep somethings in your life then you will never move on. you can not be happy in your present if you hold on to things from your past that are dead and gone. when something ends sometimes you have to be the bigger person and remove all traces of them. don't allow it to weigh you down. cause you are creating a negative life around you. positive invites positive. negative welcomes negative. always ask yourself one thing when you want to welcome something or someone back into your life.

WHY DID THE GET REMOVED IN THE FIRST PLACE...
when you answer that...remember exactly why and close that down..sweep them out of your life..clense your soul and move forward. you can not move forward if you are constantly looking backwards. 

FIND YOURSELF...FIND HAPPINESS...AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

BLESSED BE AND GODDESS BLESS

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Remembering does not mean you don't need to move on



One of the things I have learned over the years is that memories are precious. But one thing that I have also learned is that even if you hold on to the good memories. You must let go of your past. You can cherish the things that happened good with people. But at some point in your life you must accept that one of the greatest rewards you can give yourself is to heal. I use to sit and wonder why stuff happened the way it did. Why one person would walk into your life, touch your soul in a profound way and then just as deep as they touched you in a good way. They would rip your soul from you leaving you hurt and crumbled. But after many years and many years of pain and sorrow and rises from the ashes. I finally came to understand something. I realized that people are there for a reason. even the most painful ones. You are taught so much from you smiles, your laughter, your tears, your falls, and your successes and failures. It is up to you to hold on to just the memories. Not the past. One of the hardest things in life is to separate those two things. The past is the past. But memories are photos in your mind of knowledge that you must keep to study and learn from.
Each take a spot in your mind but its up to you to decipher what you must keep and what you must toss. My blood runs through me. And my Memories dance with in it. I stand before the God and the Goddess as I awake each day. I ask them to hold me tight on my journey and help me through my day. And as I walk my journey each day. and decipher through all the past and save what I want to keep and carry into the future. The goddess always whispers in my ear "hold tight to your memories little one. but let go of the past" and with that..i do just that. I do not long for those of my past. I accept that some I will never hear the words sorry from. I will never know why things happened the way they did. And I will even not know why life has taken us so far apart. But I say Thank you in the air to them and let it go. Cause it is my past, and it can not be changed, my present I am currently living and my future is yet to be determined. But I walk the path of the goddess and all I know is that I remember but continue to move on. Goddess thank you for each day. And blessed be. I am ready for my renewal.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Day 14 of countdown..what stress can do to your journey



 Blessed be and Goddess Bless everyone. Sorry for the absence for a few days but it was unavoidable. I had to miss Monday and Tuesday of this countdown. The plan was to have Day 12 and Day 13 touch base on simple things like sitting still and not exercising at all. and the effects of not doing anything can mess with your weight loss journey. always try to do something. and physical illnesses and chronic pain can take a toil on your body.

Now onto Day 14. What stress can do to your weight loss journey. Stress can be the biggest damage there is around. One thing that can remind you of the obese life and the bad eating habits you use to have is a tragedy  or stress. That moment in your life when you have to decide between eating like a pig and binge eating or sticking to the strick lifestyle you have lived for how ever long you have had the surgery. The one thing you must remember is that you are not the same person. you must know that you still have control over your own destiny. and that food is no longer the blanket you need. your own self confidence and will power. Over the past several days this has been my own battle devastating news has shook my household and i stood at that crossroad ready to just fall and give up. just wanting to curl up and sleep. but when stress is slamming on you. your weight loss journey does not stop. you still have to have at least 64 oz of fluids, you still have to have your supplements, and you still have to get your protein in. and you still need to watch your portions cause you will make yourself ill and do more damage than good. always know that you are in control of it not  the other way around.

the positive thing of the day is simple...i know i can go on..no matter how much my mind tells me otherwise

Sunday, August 12, 2012

DAY 11 OF COUNTDOWN IS...EXERCISE MATTERS



THIS IS A INTERESTING TOPIC FOR ME...EXERCISE.

So let me first start by saying..I believe the doctors when they say exercise is truly important to reach and maintain the best results. With that being said i also would like to state that i personally have a wonder team on my side. that is made up of not only my weight loss surgeon, my nutritionist, my primary care physician, my cardiologist, as well as my rhuematologist, and my personal trainers and physical therapist. they all have put there input in when it comes to the amount of exercise and the types of exercise that i am allowed to do. because of my physical limitations with my disabilities. one thing that some people have a illusion of is that they believe that disabled or people with medical conditions go have weight loss surgery and after losing a little of the weight poof the conditions are gone. this is so not true. in many cases me being one of those cases. some illnesses actually can become worst. and also dormant illnesses that were being hidden by the large quantity of fat and the fluid retention and all the complications from that. once a amount went away. those hidden issues was able to be found and a entire new set of issues were found.
but one thing is certain..no matter what..even the smallest things be it walking around the house, going for light walks. leg lifts, old exercise tapes. anything. every little bit helps. just do a baby step ..cause every baby step is one more step than the day before.

positive thing...surviving through all the things no matter what

DAY 10 OF COUNTDOWN..EATING THINGS YOU ARE NOT USE TO EATING



DAY 10 IS REALLY SIMPLE...ITS ABOUT EATING THINGS YOUR NOT USE TO EATING.

Something i learned very quickly is that once you undergo weight loss surgery. YOUR TASTE BUDS WILL CHANGE. That is no joke. The taste of some things that you once love may truly turn your stomach  post op. while things you never imagined eating before will be the only thing you crave. Now let me give you a few examples of some of my lovely struggles i have endured. now mind you these are my own personal struggles i am in no way a guru. or some profession. and any statements made here are not law. this is just my own personal blog. i would hope you will take the time to listen to your nutritionist as i do mind. it is very important to do so. Now with that said..on to my struggles.
One of the first struggles occurred directly after I came out of post op. about 3 days or so. i had just been released and was adding the dried powdered milk as instructed to my blenderized food. well lets just say my pouch eat times i injected it did not agree. then i tried the skim or 1% milk in items. up it would come or out it would come again. little did i know due to lack of information given. that in some cases early post op rny there is a chance that you can become lactose intolerant now the good news is that it does go away in most people. but until then. welcome to soy milk. Red Flag for me..i remember always swearing all day hell nah i will never drink soy milk..bwhaha..want to bet..guess what..i will drink silk unsweetened soy milk with the best of them. had that blending up shakes like a bad ass..lol. but can not lie i was happy as hell to finally taste 1% dairy again. lol
now other things you will grow to enjoy is...baked foods. and even fish if you are not allergic to it. and yes even turkey burger meat. skinless chicken breast. so many things. and there are tons of recipes to make. so many helpful cookbooks out there. you just have to ask or look. always ways to find them.

so to all that read this...always know...you may not like what you see but just give it a chance. the healthier stuff is..the better chance you give your body to learn to renew and revive itself into the new you.

positive thing...each day i write i remember a little more of what i thought i forgot.

Friday, August 10, 2012

DAY 9...WATER ...THE NEXT GENERATION



WATER THE NEXT GENERATION...WELL YOU WOULD THINK THIS WOULD BE EASY TO TALK ABOUT BUT IT REALLY ISN'T IN SOME WAYS.YOU SEE...WATER IS A MUST FOR ALL CREATURES TO SURVIVE. BUT THE AVERAGE PERSON DOES NOT DRINK THE REQUIRED AMOUNT DAILY. MOST PEOPLE GET DEHYDRATED MORE THAN THEY REALIZE. NOW THAT IS JUST THE NON SURGERY PEOPLE. BUT AS WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY PEOPLE. WE HAVE TO BE ALOT MORE CAREFUL. YOU SEE WE CAN BECOME DEHYDRATED IN A MATTER OF DAYS. 2 OR 3 DAYS OF NOT DRINKING AT LEAST 48-64 OUNCES OF WATER/NO CAFFEINE LIQUID. AND BAM WE HAVE HEADACHES AND USUALLY WILL NEED IV. NOW THE REASON I SAY THE NEXT GENERATION IS ACTUALLY THE SIMPLE PART. CAUSE FOR SO LONG WE DRANK WATER DAY IN AND DAY OUT. IF YOU MIXED WATER WITH ANYTHING IT WAS KOOL-AID WITH SUGAR..REALLY BAD FOR WLS PATIENTS..CAUSES DUMPING. NOW IT CAN BE MADE WITH SPLENDA, TRUVIA, OR SWEET AND LOW. SINGLE SERVINGS OF A FLAVORED DRINK THAT WAS NOT SUGARY WERE CRYSTAL LITE..SADLY IT CONTAINS ASPARTAME. FOR ME THAT IS A DEATH SENTENCE.  BUT NOW..AS THE WORLD AS EVOLVED. SO HAS WATER..FOR ONE WE HAVE VITAMIN WATER. THE ABILITY TO ENJOY  WATERS LIKE SOBE WATER , ZERO WATER, FLAVORED WATERS, SOME CONTAINING ASPARTAME, SOME CONTAINING SPLENDA, SOME CONTAINING TRUVIA, AND SOME ACTUALLY CONTAINING ANOTHER ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER. YOU WILL SEE ALL THIS ON THE LABEL. MOST WILL ALSO SHOW SUGAR ALCOHOL SO IN SOME CASES SOME PEOPLES POUCHES DO NOT AGREE WITH THAT ANYMORE. YOU WILL LEARN THAT AS YOU GO. MINE IS LIKE HEY GIVE ME MY SPLENDA AND TRUVIA AND EVEN SUGAR JUST GET UP OUT MY WAY..BWHAHAHA.  NOW ONE OF THE BEST THINGS IS..EACH DAY WATER EVOLVES MORE AND MORE. SO THAT YOU DO NOT GET BORED WITH IT. EACH DAY COMPANIES WORK TO FIND WAYS FOR YOU TO ENJOY DRINKING WATER WITH OUT WANTING TO HURL OR FEELING LIKE YOU ARE A WATER FOUNTAIN. NEW COMPANIES LIKE MIO HAVE COME OUT WITH FLAVORED DROPS TO ADD TO WATER. CRYSTAL LITE WHO HAS BEEN OUT FOR EVER. WHO USE TO ONLY CARRY THERES WITH ASPARTAME. NOW HAS RELEASED CRYSTAL LITE PURE...WHICH INSTEAD OF ASPARTAME IT HAS TRUVIA IN IT. FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME THAT ARE ALLERGIC TO ASPARTAME. SO WHEN YOU SAY OH I HATE WATER, I HATE DRINKING DIET DRINKS. OR EVEN I AM ALLERGIC TO ASPARTAME SO I CAN'T USE ANY OF THESE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET. NOW YOU KNOW. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS READ A LABEL. REMEMBER WATER HAS ENTERED A NEW GENERATION..

positive thing of the day...i learned that people enjoy my countdown. it felt good

DAY 8 OF COUNTDOWN...YOU MUST PUSH ON



So the message today is simple. You must push on. It is often one of the first words out of any persons mouth when you hit a stall in your weight loss surgery journey. I QUIT. or Its broken. No dear one your pouch is not broken. you are on a stall. they happen. to be factual i have been on a weight loss stall for way over 4 months now. if not mistaken i do believe its actually 5 months. But you gotta accept that you gotta let your body catch its breath. and sometimes it takes longer than others. STALLS HAPPEN...so don't stress. and most of all don't quit..don't go back to your old habits thinking that if the weight is coming off then why do all the rules.
Also one of the things i have noticed along my journey is simply that we as human beings are so quick to take on more than we are expected to. we never learn the word NO. we will so quickly tell a doctor no. a child no. but let it be yourself that you gotta tell no..and oh hell nah you are not gonna tell yourself no. you will run around doing everything. instead of demanding that others do there part. then you become so over stressed that you crumble. stop trying to be a super hero..if we were expected to be one we would have been born with capes..last time i checked i was not.  chin up and wise up..you do not have to take on the world alone.

positve things..hmmm...i found the strength to push through all that i feel just to survive another day

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

DAY 7 OF COUNTDOWN..STRESS AND SUCCESS



Stress and success do not agree. when you are trying to achieve the my productive weight loss surgury results. stress is one thing that can dampen your journey. the word stall comes to mind. so many things cause stalls. not enough protein. not eating well. and even stress. now you say..hey dixie how is that possiable. its very simple. when we get stressed out..we through all the rules out the window. we start grazing. we start drinkin with our meals. we do not stop drinking before nor wait to drink after. all in all we just revert to the old people we once was. food has way our security blanket and it takes more than a day, a week and at times even a year to break that habit.

simply remember something. there is a reason you did the procedure. you did not do it cause you was hell bent to just be skinny. hmm well maybe you did. but honestly i did not. i got a man that loves me no matter what size i am. we smile and laugh and enjoy who we are. and he loves me if i am skinny or big. so in other words i did this cause i wanted to get healthy. but even i can say that stress is my enemy. i forget to eat slowly. i forget to not graze. all in all i just really forget to not fall back into the old ways. and that is what causes failures.

sooo remember you are human. pick yourself up and dust yourself off. and do not let stress get to you.

positive thing..i can now identify the problem and i can be honest and admit it

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

DAY 6 OF COUNTDOWN....GET YOUR PROTEIN ON


One thing of importance to know is that protein is very important to all rny patients.  for rny women we require at least 60-70g of protein a day. for rny men its at least 80g. one thing that must be learned very quickly is that you must know your proteins. whey protein is your happy place. if you gonna get your protein powder on. you can make so many things like protein coffee, protein shakes, or even adding unflavored protein into your hot meal items can be a great way to use powdered protein. and in some cases you can even get a premixed liquid protein drink. some a odd tasting but some are rather tasty. personally i am picky. so i have a protein coffee and a protein shake. then i get my protein bars, and protein from food.

now with that said..lets talk about bars..protein bars..are a wonderful thing. never and i say never leave home with out your emergency package in your car/purse/backpack. what ever you carry with you. if you got a day of shopping, family outings, a family function, holidays at someones house. or just doctors appointments for you or someone in your household. the emergency pack should always contain some water. now you can bring along some mio or a crystal light single if you are not allergic to them to add to the bottled water to stay hydrated. but also a protein bar or two will be a great help. i keep one in my gym bag. and one in my purse at all time. i have even handed them to others when i notice them being worn out. cause sometimes they just are not looking well and or they forgot there emergency pack. plus if you have blood work that day fasting is required. so always take a protein bar..the requirement for a protein bar at least for my nutritionist is simple. at least 19-20g of protein. less than 10g of sugar, less than 5g of fat per serving.  and if possible she likes me to only eat half at a time. also i try to carry a time with me so that i still wait 30mins between bar and water.

now with that knowledge lets discuss something important. you need to know that protein can be found in so many things. meats. be it red meat, turkey meat, chicken, pork, dear meat. you can get you a calorie/fat/protein counter book to help you know what is in what. and learn them. even those little tiny ones at the check outs will help you. if at the time you do not or can not afford the larger one. now one thing also is that you do not just have to get your protein from just meat. please learn that protein is in a lot of things. legumes...aka beans. also fat free re fried beans..are really good and a nice chunk of protein. there are so many ways you need to familiarize yourself with what has protein.

and always eat your protein first. so that if you get full you have the important thing eating.

it still amazes me that something that i learned a year ago. is still stuck with me and really clear in my mind. i am proud of that. i am not as lost as i assumed. that makes me proud.

my positive thing..is that i know my protein and i continue to work hard to get it/

Monday, August 6, 2012

DAY 5 of Countdown...SUPPORT CAN COME FROM ANYWERE EVEN STRANGERS


Today's Countdown topic is Support. Something that is very important. Something that over time many of us lose. Either because the hospital support group that your surgical hospital had offered became to verbally abusive and negative. Or the hours that the support group ran did not comply with your work schedule and your life as a parent. Also many of us have lost the support of long time friends cause as we have grown skinner and the more we continued to stick to the rules of weight loss surgery and have self esteem finally. the less likely those long time friends wanted to spend there time around us. Some truly had us around so that for one we could be the fat person in the group. the one they stand beside or sat beside in restaurants so that it made them in there mind look thinner. or so they felt like if there was a fat person at the table then everyone assumed the big person was the one eating so much. but it was not always the case. An when you got self esteem and self worth poof those friends did not want you around anymore.  Some even have lost what little family support they have had. some have the support of say a parent a mother or father or spouse. but have lost the rest of the families support. family is a tricky thing in general. but once someone in the group has wls alot will become distant or just plain mean. one of the ways alot of wls patients notice that they do not have true family support is that a function with family is extremely difficult to eat at..there is nothing not a single thing to eat that would not make you dump or sick. everything is fried, greasy, uses extreme amounts of mayo instead of lite salad dressing. in some causes items u are allergic to are placed in it. the veggies even are cooked with lots of butter and fat back in it. trust me i know this one first hand. and you find yourself bringing you a prepackaged meal. which in return you feel like a outsider. you do not feel like you are part of the family.  the one support regrettably that a lot of weight loss patients lose over time is there spouses. i recent was researching post op losses and i discovered that post op there is a high amount of break ups and divorces. sadly some spouses just are not ready to be with the skinny self confident person you become after  that had this what they felt like this joyful life of u with no self esteem. it is not your fault. it is theirs. so many spouses are not comfortable with confidence that once you get it they instantly know that the years of neglect and mistreatment. the unloved that they have shown you. will all be noticed and there will be gaggles of men or women lining up or be with you. funny thing is in most cases you only want them. but they become so insecure they cheat, lie, or just leave. dump asses. yep  i called them that. so far i have not lost mine. but it does not mean we don't argue. he drives me cry some times. i do love him a bunch. but he seems self absorbed and the same man that never gave a shit if i jumped in a car and left for hours when i was over 300lbs now seems to get bummed if i don't take him with me when i go to the store. and he uses my health as the reason .funny thing is i had the health back then...its more than men hit on me in front of him..lol. loving that shit.

so now that you know the type of support i am referring to...i want you to understand what i mean by it can come from anywhere. you can get support from a meetup group. a walking group an or even a online support group. now in some cases you may fall in love with a support group at first and over time grow to hate some of the actions of those people. but remember you can get support else were. and never take the medical advice of other patients over your own doctor. do not leave your life in a strangers hands. plain and simple.  also you can find support in your faith, or a therapist too. talk it out. any way you need to. remember you are not in this journey alone. blog, facebook, myspace, what ever you need to. video blog. it does not matter how you do it. just allow yourself to find support of like minded people.


*positive thing of the day*  helping someone else get on track discussing the basics helped me to remember just how much i knew and still know. and i realized i did not forget it. and sharing it made me feel good. i am at peace.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day 4 of Countdown is WAIT-WEIGHT-WEIGH


Today is the day I focus on a very important word..or shall i say words. Wait. or is it Weight. or maybe its Weigh. hmmm honestly i am talking about all three. when you are reliving the first year of weight loss surgery one of the first things you think of is the amount of weight you have lost. how much you weighed when you started. how long you had to wait to get the procedure done and then how long you waited to get to the size you are now. well this is not exactly what i am referring too. allow me to explain.

WAIT... when i say wait..i am talking about something that is extremely important to do that over time weight loss surgery patients stop doing. some even start short cutting it with in the first weeks to a month post op. but it is actually a necessary thing to continue to keep as a habit. now the thing i am referring to is the amount of time you should wait between drinking before and after your meals. the correct answer is at least 30 mins prior and at least 30 mins after. you are allowed a couple sips if you need to get a piece of food down. but there is a big reason why you do not drink with your meal or directly before or after it. if you have ever added to much water to a plant..and had it leak down into the dish underneath of it..then you will understand it. what happens if you continue to water it even if you already seen a little water come through the bottom. it no longer trickles through. it floods through. well your pouch is small and it needs to register your food is in there. and that you are full. so if you suck down water you are not allowing the pouch time to know its truly full. only causing issues..like over eating. grazing later. etc.

WEIGHT.... when i say weight i mean it as the fact that you need to know the exact amount of weight that makes up a serving or portion of a item. when we are in school they say oh the palm of your hand. a deck of cards. well when you are post op..you actually gotta be factual there is no guessing at times. especially if you are out in public and want to prevent dumping. if you are not sure how much of a certain thing is a serving you are best to back away and not get that item. cause what most do not know is that when you order a burger lets say or a salad or even a entree at a restaurant most assume oh eat the entire thing cause that is a serving. actually usually that is several servings. and for a rny that is beyond several servings. so it is always suggested to place your order and at the time of placing your order ask that when they bring your plate also bring you a to go box so that you can half your meal right then.

WEIGH... now this one is a big one ...weigh your food. at the beginning post op we are all told to weigh our food. i was shocked and horrified to learn recently that a dear close extended family member was actually instructed not to weigh her food, was not told what she needed to get, pretty much just said get a 4 oz container and don't eat over that. it broke my heart. cause she was not informed correctly but that is ok. cause i am helping her now. so that nothing bad happens to her. and it was so heart warming when she came to me asking for my help.  but anyway...weighing  your food is something that in the beginning we all usually do. you are told 4oz. which is a half a cup. when i left the hospital i could not even hold 2oz. at 3 months i still was not up to 3oz at a time. i am now over 4 oz and my nutritionist wants me to drop back down to 4oz at each meal. to break the stall. its hard by its ok. 3oz of a meat usually makes up a portion of protein then 1oz of veggie.  now with that said..you need to get you a reliable scale. i purchased a glass topped digital scale from walmart. have had it for a year and the battery is just now showing low. measures in grams and oz. so that is important.  one thing that is drastically important that some forget. continue to weigh out your food as you progress post op. cause one of the things that we were not doing preop was measuring and weighing. so why would we not want to make sure we are getting those habits right. and if you say we don't have time..hmm do you have time to get fat, do you have time to know you worked that hard and endured this much with this surgery and taking 2 seconds before you plate your food at the counter to weigh it out..is gonna be to much time. its ok....but please consider it.

well that is my knowledge i shared for today

and positive thing.. i stood up for being unique. and not being June cleaver. ..was bashed for not dressing like a stereotyped 40yr old. not sure what they dress like but evidently i am suppose to look like the church lady and June cleaver mated. but being a goth girl and a bikini wearing witch is a bad thing..lol notttt...so i stood up for being me..and i love myself for it..

blessed be

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Day 3 of countdown is DANCE IN THE RAIN



now you may ask me what does dancing in the rain have to do with counting down to the year mark of the day i had surgery. well to me it has everything to do with it. You see both in my wiccan life as well as in my weight loss surgery life. when stuff becomes to hard to bare or to stressful i have learned to retreat and also i allow myself to become so depressed due to situations. One thing that occurs that i can admit is that i do not give myself credit for the weight i have lost thus far. I just focus on the length of time I have been on the stall. And the fact that I am even on a stall. I recieved a email response from my bariatric nutritionist yesterday. and one thing she wanted me to do before i read any further was to stop, and breathe. to congratulate myself. she informed me that i had lost more than what the expect wls patients to lose over all on the surgery yet i had lost it in less than a year. this is the section from the email she sent...unedited


First, you need to take a deep breath and congratulate yourself for losing more weight already than average after gastric bypass!!!!!  Starting at 316 pounds at 5'7", your excess weight was 181 pounds and we expect that patients will lose 66% of their excess weight so 119.5 pounds for you.  You've already lost over 128 pounds in less than a year!!!  WOOHOO!!!!!!




Now that in itself made me smile. one thing that did come to me as a suprise. but i am still happy. and that is whhat i am gonna do. everyday there will be something that comes along and dictates that it may not be good or bad in our lives. ben i finally realized that i needed to stop focussing on the stalls and celebrate the achievements. so today that is wut the fact is. we should always remember the joy of dancing in the rain. don't stress over that small storm. just slush around in the puddles of life. and learn to find your inner happiness for there is always something positive out there. 

speaking of positive...my positive thing of the day is....

i am proud of myself for noticing there was a issue. and deciding to reach out to my nutritionist for assistance. and some of the thoughtful weight loss community that is not so negative. blessed be. 

Friday, August 3, 2012

DAY 2 OF COUNTDOWN....MEASURE WHO YOU ARE



Day 2 is really simple. Each day after you have your weight loss surgery. A person becomes obsessed with what the scale says. We do not give credit to the fact that some things in life can not be measured by a flat device on the floor. So many days people define themselves by what they look like or how they measure up compared to someone else. One of the hardest things once you have weight loss surgery is to for one accept that this life long journey you must endure. Yet not only that you must not under any circumstances compare yourself to others and how far they are out. But instead you must measure yourself by your own achievements and victories. Victories are not always seen on a scale. It is not always measured in pounds. Or by that dress size either. Sometimes a victory is non-scale. something that mentally you can say..hey before my surgery I would have don't this instead.
So today..the countdown is simple. today is measure who you are day. but not by a measuring tape. NOPE. you must measure by non-scale victories. grab a journal or loose leaf paper and write down some positive non-scale victories. allow yourself to find the positive even if you are on a stall. for me this is a important day. cause having a stall that is over 4 months long. i have learned that i am now showing signs of body dysmorphia. I no longer see what others see as my achievements with weight loss. I have reverted back to seeing the morbidly obese person i once was. so today is very important.
I also will be finalizing all grocery list today. to shop tomorrow. once i receive the much needed email return from my nutritionist. of her suggestions of items to add to my diet.

so for those who have decided to follow along and or participate..i hope you are finding this helpful. and remember 1 positive thing must be said today too.

*positive thing*  I was extremely proud of myself that when i felt like stuff on facebook was irking me to much i kept my word to myself and logged off. not allowing it to get to me. or dampen my positive journey any longer.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

DAY 1 OF THE COUNTDOWN


DAY 1.....PLANNING OUT THE 45 DAY COUNTDOWN AND PREPPING ITEMS

now today is gonna be a little more strenuous than other days..today is the planning day. I know to most people they are like wtf. seriously you start your countdown and not have stuff planned out. and honestly yes, yes i do. The reason for this is simple. If I woke up this morning like i did, said hey its 46 days till my year mark. lets do 45 days of it starting tomorrow. then I know me well enough that I would procrastinate, also know that my body and my illnesses are unpredictable. so tomorrow I could have fibro fog so bad that I may not even remember that i wanted to do it. So by jumping right on the bandwagon today. and forcing myself to instantly start. and using the 1 day to prep items, plan out the other 44 days of things to do. then i am still productive. also due to income my shopping can not even be done for some items till after tomorrow. so this way i can have list ready. and i can be up and out the door with the hubby and child in a row ready to do what needs to be done.
now today i also want to prepare to plan out when i will finish up the summer projects that i started for my wiccan faith. all in all..as long as i am doing something productive towards the outcome then the first day is not wasted and I am not procrastinating. Plus as any one that has ever shopped for a family knows. list are important. so day one is always important. and to a weight loss surgery patient it is very important cause your family may not be on the same eating style as you. for instance my son is extremely skinny as is my hubby. so if i was to have them eating everything i eat. they would be too dang skinny while i would be losing. and that would be just wrong. so its about making sure everything in the house is done correctly.

so day one...is PLANNING AND PREPPING..
planning and prepping includes but not limited to...

planning out grocery list
planning out when to move the work out stuff to needed places
planning out what are the best snacks to help with wls stall
planning out water consumption to prevent dehydration issues
planning out supplements schedule better

prepping includes but not limited to..

pre packaging snacks into small containers
refrigerating cold snacks
baggy and storage dry snacks


prepping also includes but not limited to

finding all unfinished summer projects and placing them in one designated area
preparing a listed time to complete each project
then completing them on such dates

once all this is done.....i have to remember to continue to stay positive..even if that means i have to lay down and log off of facebook. or go game on world of warcraft. it means that i much be in charge of my own destiny. and stay focused.

so my positive thing for the day is..that i am proud to be who i am. and that i love knowing that i am strong enough that i made it this far.

45 DAY COUNT DOWN TILL YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY



45 DAY COUNT DOWN TILL 1YR ANNIVERSARY OF WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY

 In 46 days exactly it will be the exact date one year later that i had my weight loss surgery at University of Virginia hospital. Here in Charlottesville, Virginia. On September 16, 2011 my mother Debra F. Robinson took me to the hospital and Dr. Daniel Kliener preformed a Laproscopic RNY Gastric Bypass. When I awoke my entire life had changed. who would have thought that the same woman that was wheeled into surgery weighing in at 316 pounds that day would be sitting here today almost a year out post op under 200 pounds. The photo above was taken shortly prior to my surgery. and the second half  was taken just weeks ago. you can tell the big difference. What no one knows is though. I have been on a bad weight loss stall (meaning the scale has not budged what so ever up or down) for ever 4 months total now. no matter how strick i am. stalls happen. they prepare us for that. But mentally i am not willing to accept a stall in my weight any longer. i have allowed my body to catch its breath but it needs to get back in the race now. yes i have done a great job so far. but i could do better. I know i could. I have battled dehydration so many times it is not even funny. I have missed supplements so many times that is not funny either. I live off liquid protein cause my body has struggled to accept solid foods. So i have  decided to do this count down challenge. 
For the next 45 of the 46 days till my one year post op mark. i will blog daily. but also i am gonna go back to the basics. and gonna go old school with it. very small multiple meals, pre-measured smalled portions, snacks bagged up, cut and included in my day twice a day, and meals that include veggies and not just a chunk of protein. also now that i have had to take medical freeze at my gym till my body can handle working out in public again. and until i can guarantee my stress induced seizures are all gone ..which so far so good. my hubby is gonna move the wii into my bedroom, and we are gonna move my treadmill into my room as well. so that i can work out in my room. then rest on my bed post work out. each day i will do something. 
The final thing that will happen is that each of the 45 days there will be a count down blog discussing what the days activity or plan of action is for that day.  

one thing that must happen is that the negativity that has filled my brain due to dealing with negative weight loss surgery Patience's that are either bitter for there point in there journey or angry at something in there life. has to stop now. so each day I plan to find something positive and say it as well. 

all are welcome to join in on the countdown and hope others will follow along. be it that you are on a surgery stall, a diet stall, or just want to kick start that healthy part of your own personal life, and maybe get a little happy about yourself  in the process. then so being. feel free to join in. love and light to you and may the goddess bless you.

guess who is back....lol

well after a much needed blog break. i finally have returned to my blogging. i do apologize to my loyal small group of followers. i just needed to get the hell away from all the blogger drama that is out there. when you combine a wiccan life and a weight loss life in one blog or hell combine anything with weight loss life. it is hard to deal with some of the backlash as well as some of the reputation that comes along with being a weight loss surgery patient. i had lived  for so long in the sunshine and rainbow part of weight loss surgery. were all i found was the positive blogs. and yet there was a seedy side of wls bloggers. there were actual straight up cyber wars, verbal attacks, racial slurs, threats on peoples familys, lives etc. and it became just to hard to bare for awhile. and as a wiccan and a empath i could feel so much more than most people when i would view the video blogs and read the actual written blogs. to the point that the stress from it all made me ill. so i took a small unplanned break. tried to only focus on me, some facebook games and my world of warcraft. which i was completely happy with. but now it is time to return i can not allow any close minded people and there own personal dramas to run me away from what i enjoy doing. that would not be the true dixiewitch that i am known to be. so i have returned. and i already got a little blog feast planned out. love and light to you all blessed be

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Becareful what you write ...words can hurt people



I say this and a say this bluntly please be careful what you write...cause words can hurt with out your intention. you may think that by not naming names, not mentioning anyone in your venting or ranting then you are safe from hurting someone. and the karma of feeling the pain. but sadly you may still hurt someone.
I removed a blog just now not because i hurt the person it was about. but because the goddess has a way of showing you just how screwed up hurting someone can be. I logged back on FB after gaming for awhile an seen someone i respect greatly who I hate to see mistreated in anyway. very upset. targeted again. virtual world hate again. i seen what someone being mistreated by the anger or judgement of someone else can do to someone. it hurt me. it shook me to my core. i thought of how the person I actually did write the blog about would feel if they knew my venting was about them. I thought about my friends. the people that do have access to my blog and how many of them could misunderstand and or assume that it was about them. and I just could not bare the thought of one of them ever feeling that pain. I know people say that you can not feel through the net. yeah i get that. but when you follow someones life. and that person touches you by how honest and kind, and open they are about everything in there life. it breaks your heart to see them so angry, so hurt by another person's words. and you start to feel helpless cause you can not help them at all. you can't make it better. but I knew that even if  I could not not make there personal situation better, I could make sure I did not cause anyone else to go through that same type of emotions. I honestly had no right to judge anyone. Me calling someone a fake cause they don't share exactly the trueful story. isn't my place. i am not there judge. and i became a hypocrite. an that is wrong. an for me to rant about it. yes i vented..but there is a difference between blogging an attention seeking. and honestly I need to admit that I think I seeked attention by pointing out there wrong doings. and for that i hope the goddess will forgive me.
But mainly i removed the post...i can not be a judge to someone else, i am not the goddess, and maybe they have there own reasons for doing what they do. i don't live there lives. goddess forgive me..
I think its time to finally put this blog to rest...at least the weight loss surgery part of it....and bring it back to the wiccan only part of it. 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

How can someone know what is going on with you if you don't let them know?



So i felt like finally dusting off my blog and writing again. finally was led by the goddess to express myself. So with that this one is about "Who I am"  lately i keep reading peoples' statuses and tweets were they are blasting there friends about how they do not know them. how they never understand them. and it got me to thinking. seriously what is up with that. why are you blaming your friends for your own failure. and i ask that in that way because it is your own failure in away not just thiers.  you as a human being have a responsibility to not only know who you are as a person. but also you have a responsibility to people that you refer to as love ones, family, friends, lovers. to make sure they know just who you are too. You can not only call someone or message/tweet/text/email someone when you are having a bad day. you must share the good too.
Now you may ask..Dixie who the hell are you to say I am a failure.  I seen your tweets, I seen your status you do the same thing sometimes. Well this is true up until very recently. you see recently I had to learn this lesson myself. you see I kept wondering why a friend of mine was pulling further and further way. always said they were busy, to busy to even call, or inbox, text etc. but then i would see tons of stuff of them having amazing life. then it finally hit me. I HAD NOT BEEN A GOOD FRIEND. I HAD BEEN THE FAILURE NOT THEM. I WAS A LOSER.  I became saddened cause i was like how could they not know I needed them, how could they not comment or tweet me supporting me or showing me that they are proud of how far I have come. Then it truly hit home...duh Dixie how would they know it was real or just a fake wall being put up for others. if all they ever knew was my negative stuff. how would they know if I never shared the good things and only shared when i needed something.
So yes I learned the lesson, you can not truly stand on a soapbox about this type of issue, if you have not faced it and come to terms with it yourself. I refer to myself as a phoenix but after all this learning i also know i got Pegasus tendencies. i will walk amongst the world unseen and fly high upon the sky and only those with truly open eyes can see the magic in who i am. so blessed be

Saturday, May 12, 2012

what do you see deep inside



WHAT DO YOU SEE DEEP IN SIDE WHEN YOU LOOK IN A MIRROR,
DO YOU STAND IN DISGUST, DO YOU STAND IN SHAME
DO YOU LOOK INTO IT, WITH A LIST OF PEOPLE YOU WANT TO BLAME.
WELL ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS IN LIFE TO DO...
IS TO TRUELY SEE YOURSELF AND YOUR CORE IN A MIRROR.
SEE YOUR OWN PAST, YOUR OWN FLAWS, YOUR OWN WRONG DOINGS.
THE HARDEST THING IS TO LOOK DEEP INTO YOUR OWN EYES
AND TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT NOT EVERY SINGLE THING IS TO BE BLAMED ON OTHERS.
IT IS A HORRIFIC AND FRIGHTENING THING THAT A STRONG PERSON  MUST DO.
BUT AT SOME POINT YOU REALLY MUST DO IT.
NOW YOU MAY WONDER WHY I AM TALKING ABOUT THIS.
ITS PLAIN AND SIMPLE. LIFE IS HARD. LIFE IS MADE OF TWIST AND TURNS.
THINGS THAT WE SUPPRESS, CAN AND MOST LIKELY WILL ONE DAY
COME TO THE LIGHT AND IF YOU HAVE NOT COMPLETELY DEALT WITH IT.
IT CAN DEVASTATE YOU ALL OVER AGAIN.
THE GODDESS DOES NOT GIVE YOU ANYTHING THAT SHE KNOWS YOU CAN NOT HANDLE.
THE GODDESS ONLY ALLOWS SOME THINGS TO SURFACE IF SHE THINKS YOU ARE IN A PLACE MENTALLY THAT YOU CAN BOUNCE BACK FROM THEM IN SOME POINTS.
AND EVEN IF IN THE BREIF MOMENT YOU THINK ...OMG THE GODDESS WAS SOO WRONG.
SHE IS NOT. SHE KNOWS YOU TO YOUR CORE. SHE KNOWS HOW WEAK YOU ARE.
SHE KNOWS HOW TRUELY STRONG YOU ARE.
SHE HAS FAITH IN YOU AND KNOWS WHEN YOU WILL RISE FROM THE ASHES ONCE MORE.
SO MY DEAR ONES..KNOW THIS. AT SOME POINT YOU MUST STOP DENYING THAT THE ISSUES IGSIST. YOU HAVE TO STOP SUPRESSING THE PAIN YOU SUFFER. ONE THING TO REMEMBER. IF THE PREDITOR HAS NO REMORSE TO YOU BUT HAS IT TO OTHERS. WORD OF ADVICE. ANYONE THAT IS NOT HUMAN AND ADULT ENOUGH TO APPROACH YOU IN GOOD FAITH AND WITH TRUTH AND HONESTY AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS. THEN PLEASE DO NOT SUPPRESS IT. IT WILL SURFACE AGAIN. AND ALL THE PAIN THAT YOU ONCE SUPRESSED WILL BE EXTREMELY PAINFUL.

SO EACH DAY. WALK YOUR WALK, FACE YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF. HEAL FROM WHAT HAS HAPPENED. AND HONESTLY DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO STARTLE YOU YOUR PATH AND JOURNEY. LOVE AND LIGHT TO YOU. BLESSED BE

Friday, April 27, 2012

He will never understand....


He will never understand, how pain can flood a heart. He may never understand how sorrow last and never parts. how on the outside a smile can be show. but in the inside your in the storm wasting away alone. Every small thing that is done will be micro watched to a tee. to protect what is left of the person that use to be me. to others she seemed so strong and so happy. but her soul hurts everyday for the sorrow hurts worst than a slap you see. so you see he will never understand..how the simple things he does..raises suspicion when there is no need. all because of he past. how multi locks chime around her, when she hides nothing.
He will never understand what all she has lost and sacrificed for him. just to keep him in her life. only to have him return and cut her with the proverbial knife. while she lost everything he gained so much. was given gifts and tokens to make his stay more bearable. her life was ripped apart. her home was placed in danger. the food was pulled from her mouth. the money to pay bills gone. all that she had was taken from her. now each day she must look at him and know that she may have gained him. but she lost all she had in the process and will never ever be repaid for it. and that he does not care what she lost. he only is pleased he has his gadgets and free stuff.
the tears fall down her face. the vomit falls from her mouth, the strength she used to fight for him all gone. who she once was. is dead. and she does not wish to be any more. cause she never did anything wrong. yet she was the one in the end that was punished in some way. sorrow hurts. an he will never understand.

blessed be

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I RISE LIKE THE PHOENIX I AM ONCE MORE




this blog goes out to some amazing people this morning..my wiccan sister Rosie posey. who reminds me..that its not normal for me to have a pity party. for my sis Dorothy for reminding me that yep there are some heathens out there but we will rise above it. my brother Joe-Joe who reminded me to be a Lil Yoda an madea mixed. an to Jenn for letting me see that there has to be a positive to each negative.
so to all of you..i say this..the sun may set on one part of my journey, the dust may land on my shoulders heavy. the lights may go out for i may not see. but the goddess continues to walk with me. for to the left of me is my hubby standing tall, to the right of me is my son proud and true, at my back is my mother supporting me through it all. the goddess shines a light around me..through my soul. yes it may dim at time. so dim that i do not feel i can go on. but like the phoenix i will rise again. for that is the mold i was made in. she did not design me as a Fae something light and lives only once, nor did she she design me as orge. some towering but can be destroyed. she made me a phoenix for a reason...cause i had a purpose that only she new. a mission more precious than just waking up an putting on my shoes. i am here to show others what you can survive. to put a smile on the faces of those in need, to carry heavy loads till i can not anymore. heal with my tears, an then shed my burdens into the flame an rise once more reborn from the ashes anew to do it again. i am a phoenix. proud. so yes i got bills, yes i got struggles, but damn it i got some good stuff, i size 16 shorts that are starting to fall off me, my boobs haven't shrank, and i got my man by my side at home for good after all these months apart. a wonder witchlet son who loves us. an a mom that supports me. an so many non blood sisters and brothers that stand by my side and give me support when my own blood family refuses to. so for that..i say this...i rise...i rise...i rise..i may have stumbled and had pity..but this damn phoenix continues to rise. i rise an sore the sky along side such creatures of wonder. an remember just cause you do not see them. does not mean they do not exist. blessed be



one other thing. when you become consumed with what you do not have, or how screwed up life has become you lose sight of the wonderful things you do have. you clip your own wings. you extinguish your own flames. the fact is. yes we all have some sorta struggles. not everyone complains non stop about them. not everyone even lets people know they exist at all. i share mine in hopes that those people that battle with bipolar, and ptsd. understand there is a outlet to discuss or express themselves even if for a moment. open up and share a feeling or emotion for a moment. instead of doing something harmful to yourself. some may not understand why i do from time to time stumble an when i do i express it. but it is part of my mental conditions and i do not hide it. i can not hide any part of me. cause if my life helps someone else to feel as if they are not alone in this world for one second than i am doing the goddess work. blessed be. merry meet merry part merry meet again.

Monday, March 26, 2012

who to trust



in a world were people wear a mask to hide there flaws, there true selves, i ask you. who can you trust. who can you turn to in your hour of happiness, in your hour of sorrow. how is it that in a brief moment you can make a judgement to trust a stranger and grow extremely close to them...an then in a split second they are gone from your life. or to busy to even care about your turmoil. not realizeing that you notice the distance that has grown. the false promises that have been made and broken. the hopes that have been raised then destroyed. all in all..life is a interesting thing. i ask you again if the world wears mask who can you truely trust.

honestly i say trust yourself. cause at  end of the day..only you know ur deepest pain and will not share it unless you chose to. food for that.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED THIS WEEK


THE ONE THIS I LEARNED THIS WEEK IS THAT EVIL WILL SUCK THE LAST DROP OF LIFE OUT OF YOU IF YOU LET IT.


OVER THE PAST WEEK MY HEALTH HAS DEPLETED, MY PERSONAL LIFE I KEEP VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART. NOT SHARING IT WITH ANYONE. DUE TO THE FACT THAT I CAN NOT TRUST ANYONE WITH MY EMOTIONS. AND THIS WEEK THERE WAS SHERE PROOF OF WHY I DO THAT. ONE SIMPLE PERSON. MANAGED TO NOT ONLY CAUSE ENOUGH OF A UPROAR IN MY LIVING COMMUNITY. BUT ALSO CAUSED ENOUGH OF A FEELING OF VIOLATION AS WELL AS FEAR TO LEAVE MY HOME IT TRIGGERED THE EXTREMELY DANGERIOUSLY CONDITIONS I LIVE WITH EACH DAY. TO THOSE THAT ARE VICTIM OF SEVERE PTSD AND SOCIETY ANXIETY. YOU KNOW HOW THE HARRASSMENT OF ONE SINGLE PERSON CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN A BLINK OF A EYE. NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS OF THERAPY YOU HAVE ENDURED. ALSO YOU AS WELL KNOW THAT THERE IS A CHANCE FOR STRESS ENDUCED SEIZURES. WELL TAHDAH THANKS TO THE HARRASSMENT AND UNWILLINGNESS TO LEAVE ME ALONE I HAD TO ENDURE ONE OF THOSE HORRIFIC SEIZURES. AN TO MAKE IT WORST. I HAD TO ENDURE IT ALONE. MY HUBBY IS STILL OUT OF TOWN. SO MANY BAD THNGS COULD HAVE HAPPENED.

BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF IT. I SEEN THE TRUE COLORS OF PEOPLE. I SEE HOW QUICKLY PEOPLE WILL JOIN A SIDE WITH OUT ALL TH E FACTS. AND NOW I AM LOOKING INTO WHAT I NEED TO DO TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN. BE IT BY RESTRAINING ORDER, HARRASSMENT LAW SUIT, ETC. 

THERE IS SO MUCH THAT I DEAL WITH EACH DAY THAT NO ONE SEES, OR HEARS ABOUT. AN HONESTLY I DIDNT NOT NEED THIS SO I THANK THOSE THAT HAVE STOOD BY ME. THE RARE FEW THAT STILL STAND BESIDE ME. TY. BLESSED BE.

Monday, March 12, 2012

sooo what has been going on lately


well it has been some time since i wrote in my blog. but i fealt tht i needed to. left has been extremely hectic. sadly i honestly can say i have lost faith in just about any and everything. the storms of life has preceeded to weigh me down futher and further. i do understand that it is up to me to weather the storms and survive so that i reach my goal. but emotionally i am drained. the promise that if i lost at least 50 lbs i would have a drastic drop in alot of my meds, and fibro would get better . was alet down. along with the fact that now i have severe tailbone pain coccydynea and raynaud phenomenon  to very painful new conditions to live with. the emotional toal it takes to do all this alone when you know ur heart loves your husband kills you. it breaks your heart. i fight each day to no just up and walk away. i just want all the obstacles that are standing in his wa y of returngin back home to us to be removed. honestly i do ont know what i can handle much more of. honestly i just done. life is to shot to suffer this much. idk what to do.

wls is hard an its even harder when u have to do it alone. but i can not say that to anyone. cause everyone has problems..an struggles so i am told to just get over it. so for me. i wonder at times..if the reason i am failing is to show others that even a smart one can just give up. when there is no one supporting her. cyber friends are wonderful. but honestly what is there to do when u log off ur computer ou are still alone. no one is there . no one to say hey go for a walk with me. nothing. everyone has a life. so this is my blog..an honestly i just dont know what to do anymore..honestly i can not take anymore

Thursday, February 23, 2012

UNSEEN THINGS


the world is filled with tons of unseen things. some believe those things exist some do not. but each person is allowed there opinion. the best part of being a witch, and being wiccan as well as being on this weight loss journey is that there are always unseen things happening or fluttering around.
in the mythical world there are tons of unseen creatures. an each day they aid people in what is needed. they help the birds sing, create the morning dew. and nudge you at just the right time to wake you up. animals tend to see them. and small children. hence what society loves to refer to as imaginary friends. indigo children both young as well as children that have grown to adult an never loss there faith in it..tend to see them. it makes our world so wonderful.
in weight loss journey we have what is called NSV. non scale victories. its were you can not see it on the scale but you feel it or something still lets you know you are losing weight. like walking up stairs easier, getting up from a chair with out help, or something as simple as you just feel better.
i personally have faith in the unseen. my belief is that just cause you can not see it. does not mean it does not exist. cause you can not see air, you can not see wind, you can not see atoms, you can not see faith, love, sorrow, etc. but no one truly argues that air exist. so my small blog today is that you gotta remember that a little faith in the unseen goes along way.
:)..may the goddess and god walk with you.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

ready for the good things to come back into cycle

today is my first post since december i have become very laxed in the things i do daily. an i soo need to change that. i had so much i wanted to start doing from day one of the new year. but with all that is going on personally in my life i just didn't start them. for a moment i was soo upset feelin like a failure. then wam.. the words i spewed at others slapped me hard in the face. why i am i trying to achieve some perfect resolution completion this is why i do not make resolutions. it should not be a one time moment that oyu make a goal. you need to make life altering choices when needed. its like casting on the moon cycle.  you know its the best thing to do. but you also know you have the opportunity an right to cast when exactly u need it. an not to have to wait how ever many weeks till the perfect moon. life is not perfect it doesnt come with some journal that dictates this will happen then. so yes i can still do those things. i am soo ready for the good things to come back into cycle. life is not perfect but it makes me miss the good stuff more. blessed be

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