Sunday, October 30, 2011

With Samhain just around the corner

SAMHAIN IS ALMOST HERE

bright blessings and goddess love to you. Samhain is less than twenty four hours away. my samhain sabbath weekend celebration with my son and fiance was set off a tad. we watched our shows in the morning on saturday morning. but as i tried on a few outfits to check out the weight loss progress thus far post op from rny. i tried on a pair of non stretch denim capris which buttoned an snugglie zipped but they did zip. i kept them on for a bit..but they squez my stomach so after taking them off. i felt ill an my stomach tender.  so like usual i rested. an tahdah i ended up wakin up this mornin. i swear you can tell when my protein an water are both low. my body gets fatigued really quickly. so the plan to carve our pumpkins have been set off till today. gonna do them early this morning. then gonna start my potter movie fest. or halloween town an twitches marathon then transformers tonite.

one thing that i have truely enjoyed is getting back to my wiccan roots. being able to plan this sabbath with my son and fiance has made a large difference in my life. it gives me joy to know that i am balancing out an returning to the person i once was. for the longest time i would sit and watch my friends go party and become very depressed cause i was not someone that was willing to dump my child off on my mother to go partying. or willing to risk losing my own home and ending up having to burden my mother who has already raised me once with the burden of having to raise my son and me again. i just instead would miss out on stuff. then on halloween when the partys arose i would just not get invited or could not make it cause my sitters have jobs or children of there own. or i put my life with my child before acting like i was before i become a mother. i always dreamt that i would raise my son in the wiccan faith when he was ready now he is ready..he gave me the sign when he chose the sabbath celebration over trick or treating. it means he is ready. the moment in a witch's life when your witchlet shows the true sign that he or she is ready to learn an grow in the faith is atruely proud moment. and it is a big milestone on the journey to the new me.

so this morning,  im gonna work on my protein, gonna carve my sabbath pumpkins, an gonna enjoy my day. an when samhain arrives im gonna enjoy my sabbath.

blessed be

Friday, October 28, 2011

ITS BEEN A LONG WAY ROAD TO GET HERE TODAY

LIKE A PHOENIX I RISE TO FLY ON THE NEW JOURNEY BLESSED BE
well today is my 6wk post op rny surgery date. which means that 6wks ago today i underwent a life changing experience that in hopes will help extend my life an give my a longer life with both my fiance as well as the main reason i done it..my son. 6 wks ago i walked in to university of Virginia hospital and dr. kliener changed my life. now over the past 6 wks post op i have under gone many complications. many of which they do not prepare you for in the class you have to mandatory take before you can have surgery. you also do not usually hear all the things that can happen to you and that you can or may endure once you have surgery. you hear how the surgeon will cut your stomach an give you what is known as a pouch. will take your full size stomach an when you wake up you will have a pouch that holds 4oz..aka a half a cup. what they do not tell you is. that measurement is not a exact science. so for some that leave the hospital  me being one of them we may leave unable to even swallow 2oz of food. for the first 3wks post op i was on blenderized food. food that had the texture of applesauce. an at times you wish you could just eat nothing but apple sauce. but then for a week you will progress to what they call phase3 the soft food. it means that if you can squish it with a fork it is considered soft. then the end of week for. you will go to your final phase. phase 4 regular food. you will one by one add in different types of foods that you use to eat. just healthier as well as alot smaller portions. it is also suggested that you join a support group so that you know that you are not alone in this struggle. as well as some people will find out that depression will become a large part of your life after surgery. now that was the one thing that i was pleased about. i know who gets happy about depression. not normal right. well for me..i am permanently disabled due to bipolar number 2. i have severe ptsd, an severe society anxiety as well as severe anxiety disorder  along with other medical conditions. but when they said hey you may need a shrink after surgery i laughed. cause i am already on the meds needed for it. for once it was something i could say i already was prepared for. an yes there are days that you feel like omg some one please make it stop. those days when you know you have been busting your booty an tahdah you find yourself laying in the hospital being told your are at a dangerous dehydration level. all you can say is wtf. I looked into support groups in my area an the one through the hospital and i have discovered that there are some really angry plus size people in this world. an at least in my county. an sadly some get very upset to learn that maybe your weight loss up to this point is more than they had in a 6 month time frame . so i found a amazing group. and out of respect for the group everyone agrees to not use the name on there blogs as well as there facebook profiles. cause some people have not or made a conscious choice not to let others know they had this procedure. an i truly respect that choice. at times i regret sharing it. but then i realize that if i can give one person knowledge, insight into a person's rny post op life, as well as just some support that the things they go through are not just them. then i feel like i have helped someone.
this journey has been a hard one. at 6wks post op i have been in the hospital for potential strictures, dangerous dehydration levels, more than once. as well as acid reflux issues ,projective vomiting, and as of yesterday a potential heart attack or stroke. which by the grace of goddess i was told i did not have. but in that has caused so much stress on my stomach pouch as well as my weight loss progression. due to all the medical complications over the past 3 wks. it slowed down my weight loss considerably and i was not able to drink my protein shakes cause i could not stomach them nor was  i able to reach my daily protein requirement an on most days could not even eat very much. so in that my stomach has been just icky. but i have lost a nice amount of weight over the past few weeks. 
yesterday was a hard day in general after being in the hospital all day . i did come home an eat a small amount. i wake up this morning pretty rested but at the same time even though my ekg an stuff came back fine i am still having phantom chest pain issues.  but i think part of it is indigestion. sometimes i forget that even eating a couple bites of something means you have to wait to drink before an after it. that is what makes it hard sometimes with this lifestyle. i see so many people who just want this surgery cause they believe this is some easy way out of weight loss. they look in there mirror an they hate themselves. well first off. get over that shit really fast seriously . i mean no disrespect to people. but omg if you hate yourself that damn much cause you are sooo damn over weight fyitah dah they get it. fyi i hope those people fail. i know it is wrong to wish that on people. but day in day out i have to live with this life changing experience, i have to not only alter my own life, but in return it changes your children's life, and if you have a mate it will change theres. if you are low income family like  i am..you can not afford a ton of healthy stuff then a bunch of crap for them to eat too. so everyone must change. but then there are people that just eat what they want. wow it upsets me. and honestly the bullshit that people believe this is a easy way out of weight loss. those people do not deserve this procedure either. cause they really need to tell me what the hell is so easy about having a stomach that isn't even 4 ounces. that on most days a 2oz  is all you can eat. having to eat every 3 hrs. having to make sure you get your protein. and making sure you get at least 64oz of water in a day. all in all..it is not easy. the making sure every single bite is chewed up to dang near mush before you swallow so that it doesn't get stuck in the hole. so all in all, its isn't easy. the fact that you gotta swallow pills all the time for something. so to those people wow get a clue. don't say its the easy way out. an do not whine cause your life is soooo awful cause you want a procedure that you mentally just want to have cause you believe it is gonna magically make you look like you did wayyy back in the day or some one that you have never looked like in your life. this journey you embark on is not about lookin hot its about becoming healthy an changing your life in a good way. 


i tell anyone...i carried my heavy load, i burst into flames an crumbled to ashes..an as i awoke from my procedure like a phoenix i arose. i rise to the sky to take flight once more. but only this time i have been  given a second chance. an for that i am blessed. blessed be



Thursday, October 20, 2011

THE POINT WHERE THE WORDS OH HELL NO IS ALL YOU CAN GET OUT

THIS IS MY SON DRAGON..8YRS OLD. DOESN'T LOOK THAT WAY DOES HE

There comes a moment in every parents life were it defines you as a true parent. were you know whether you had a child and have grown as a parent or if you had a child and someone needs to whoop your ever loving arse for even being allowed to reproduce. Some parents use there children for a meal ticket or more correctly a government ticket some parents use there kids for a means to trap some dna'd person into a life long attachment into there lives. for some reason that one still makes me burst out laughing. cause i have yet to see how getting someone pregnant or you getting knocked up is gonna turn some big ass light bulb on in the other persons head and make them go. oh wait I'm cheating on my wife or husband with this person and now they are pregnant. you know what i should marry thing. righttttt and if that happens...can someone please tell me were they bought that beach front property in Ohio at too..cause my ass is not visiting. cause someone got some quicksand in the basement.  now no today is not a rant on how dumb some parental breeding tactics are..cause ohhh that is sooo another day. today is about something that happened to my son dragon yesterday morning and i did not get to find out about it until he got off the bus. and how the parenting is so different between me and the other parents.

yesterday morning as always my fiance..but i refer to him as hubby. took my 8yr old son dragon to the bus stop right outside the apartment complex we live in. now for some reason. were the kids usually stand and line up at. there were many vehicles and stuff parked and blocking alot of view from parents. which is unusual in the mornings in this area. at least at the bus stop area. first complain. now like any other typical morning. my son was post adhd medication but was still as headstrong and stubborn and refusing to listen to his step dad as normal. when i am not outside he thinks cause my hubby is quiet he does not have to listen. an since hubby is not his dna'd father an has never been a parent and came from a family in tenns that he watched other people bad parent ppls kids. he doesn't really know how to or what to say to dragon when he gets that bad. cause no matter when you tell dragon to stop an stand by you dragon believes he needs to run around with those taunting bad ass baybay kids that should be whooped with a belt fuk a hand. fuk that i take that back. they should just be forcefully taken from there parents and put into foster care until the parents can actually be parents. butttt i get off subject....
now here is where the shit gets to the point that you just say..what the sam hell....the bus they ride is coming around the parking lot turn at the lower end. which is a signal for all the children to get in there prospective grade lines per the mandate of the bus driver (oh my goddess do not even get me started on that bull shit rain or shine my son has to be herded like cattle an cant get on a bus till all children are in there cute little grade lines..bullshit) anyway.... with my hubby's view blocked as well as many parents view blocked two children took it as the perfect time to assault my son. now first off..please refer to the photo at the top of this blog. look at the size of my son. look at the fact that for one..you can see that when my son gets to like gym where they say climb a rope or dodge ball he is destine to be the kid that will be out first or still hanging at the bottom of the rope like steve urchell with rock star hair. now in his defense...rock stars nor doctors have to be pro athletes...lol..but honestly come on..my son is if i am lucky...maybe near 49-50pounds. he is not underfed. he is not starved. he eats school breakfast, eats school lunch . an trust and believe he eats dinner at home. i may only eat 3oz..but that child eats an eats and eats..then 20mins later..he is usually eatin some fruit. but my son just his scrawny...yep just like his dna'd father and i he is scrawny. (we were both scrawny when we were very small..then poof) anyway....with that my son only weighs like less than 50 pounds with his backpack an stuff on..well the bus is at hte lower end. an rounding the turn....coming in view but not complete view of all the rows of children. parents are distracted with there own kids. an some are actually in view of the lines..but problem...some do not know who my son is.nor who i am...with that...this one child...we will call him subject (ds) and this other child ..we will call him (fb) took it upon themselves to use this as a perfect opportunity to assault my son. (ds) had (fb) hold my son's arms behind him...while they were in line..and (ds) physically kicked my son in his winky..now with this said..if you do not like foul language...stop reading now...cause this is the moment my blog is gonna get raw....ooookkkk...now i gave you time and i warned you....with that said...
it is my understanding..that my son actually started crying at this point. he was kicked hard enough that the pain rushed to his stomach and insides an tears were brought to his eyes. the (fb) child let him go. then the two bullies got on the bus as if they had not done nothing. with this said..how the hell does any mother fucking parent in the got damn world teach there child to be such self absorbed violent offenders and to think that they are above the laws and morals that they must pick on someone to bodily harm. it is also my understand. that the landlord was standing way down on the lower end an from were she usually stands she would not have had a clear view of the incident. but with that said. i was informed by talking with her. that it was brought to her attention by a few parents that a altercation had just occurred as the bus was pulling up. but evidently it was by parents who was not aware who my son was nor who i am. for if the parents new me. the average parent would have walked over to my hubby and told him or would have came straight to the apartment and told me ..or hell texted me.
but instead my son road in severe pain to school. went and looked for the principle but she was busy and at the same time he still had to go get in the breakfast line so he didn't miss his breakfast. plus he had to attempt to relieve himself. at least one good thing he did manage to relieve himself with out pain. he didn't not find the principle so he went to the line got his breakfast, went potty and went to class. all of which would be ok....except the child that assaulted him..the one that actually physically kicked my son in his winky is in his class.  and this is not the first time this child has bullied my son. i had a incident about a week and a half almost 2 Fridays ago..were my son was at lunch an was put at the silent table. yep my son acted up. the silent table is when u didn't bring a homework folder home, didn't get a parent to do something and because of that at lunch you gotta sit at the table. also if you are a bad ass kid during class then u can be placed at it. my son had not brought a folder home the night before. well he was placed at the table. the child (ds) was at the table. an from what i understand usually the two of them got along. well the child got up and decided to walk around the table and call my son a fucking ass..now with that said...all i gotta say is what the hell. i was very proud of my son. he didn't resort to name calling. he went to a adult which aided him in getting him from the child. i was told over the weekend an talked to the teacher that Monday. well this child is now a bully. the (fb) kid i have since learned use to be nice an get along with dragon .now as the lines are formed for the bus it seems that he an dragon get to arguing some times..then other days they play. well with that..the (fb) child is known around here as a very sweet child usually. but when i realized who the child was..i remembered instantly the incident last year were the same child decided to pick on my son on the bus ride home and we had to go to his sitter/family member. she got pissed cause when u compare my son's size to like this child its like looking at a banana to a pumpkin..how the fuck does that type of bullying seem even remotely fair. now i have had talks with the school off and on over the past few years..an the school knows i am not one of those parents that believes ooohhh my child can do no wrong. the hell i do..hell i am the first to say that my son can act a as. can even make some problems worst. but under no circumstances is it or will it ever be right for a child to ever in there lifetime to put there mother fucking hands on my son or any other body part. bullying is not tolerated in school nor by me...there are alot of parents who work hard to protect the smaller children no matter there age. and who also love an care alot about dragon. and the fact is..i may be in alot of pain from the fact that i did not rest at all last not over the fact that my son was assaulted and until i get the full name and apartment number of the (ds) child that kicked my son...and then talk to a officer to find out what i can legally do. i will not rest. that shit is assault. i am gonna talk to the school today. cause i fear for my son right now. i even think it may be time that i call his father. we do not have much contact but the one thing i can say is that threw the years  the one thing he has been there for is to defend his son when he is bullied. today I'm going to the bus stop..tomorrow my mother is off work an she is coming out there. i swear i will get the child's name. an something will be done..cause hell or high water this shit is not right...I'm done with the violence..and no one understand how stressful this crap is.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

EVERY THING IN MODERATION

JUST LIKE THE PERFECT POTION THE NEW JOURNEY EVERYTHING IS IN MODERATION  

the days tick on an the phase 4 regular part of the diet seems to be my hardest part. along this crazed insane journey. i walk along everyday and think to myself. what the heck did i do. then i look in the mirror and think girl suck it up. no one told me it was gonna be sunshine and rainbows so i do not see why i seem suprised sometimes when all of a sudden that invisible brick wall smacks me so hard im like dangggggggg didnt see that coming..roflmao. well last nite was no exception. last nite i sat queezy. gotta love me new word. i will not say i was hurlin cause it never made it to that point. but it was a 3 bite nite. the surgeon told me that right now my pouch is badly irritated from all the vomitting and stuff it has been threw. so its called a grouchy pouch. sorry but i know grouchy..this is not grouchy. this is damn near pmsing pouch. this thing is moody as a woman with no pain releaver, her heating pad broke an who just found out that the kids ate all the sweets in the house an the old man drank all the coffee an didnt tell her. yep that is my pouch right now. soooo for today an probably tomorow i have put my pouch in a time out. broth is gonna be its friend. and maybe some crackers if she behaves..but other than that. to hell with her..roflmao. im so tired of screamin in pain im like ok..positive my ass...today is stay the hell away from dixie day..roflmao.

now on a good note..i got my sabbath cookie cutters, my pumpkin patterns an carving tools, and i got the sugar cookie ingredients, all of wich im am very happy about. my mom an i discussed it an we think were gonna give back to the local farmers this year an get my sabbeth pumpkins from one of the roadside pumpkin stands. there is this one right up the road from my house. so this makes me happy. lol. all in all im pleased.

oh and i did find out some really good news...i can eat a littel bit of hambuger helper or a slither of pizza if i want..just everything is in moderation...hense the title of this one..also some amazing ppl gave me some great healthy recipes to help me out. even help me make my own little really good high protien low carb type pizzas..i jsut have to tell myslf everything in moderation..so that is wonderful. so now once my pouch gets off pms...im gonna try the little lean cuisine mini pizza first. or one of the healthy recipes..that makes me sooo siked. i wouldnt know what i would do with out hte great support of such wonderful ppl.

blessed be an hope everyone has a great day

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

THINGS I REALIZED AND JUST WANTED TO SAY TODAY

SAMHAIN JUST ROUND THE CORNER


NOW ON TO MY MORNING POSITIVE STATUS! good morning my blogger followers friends/family. well as 5wks creeps closer, the weather changes, and my wiccan sabbath grows closer (samhain) i enjoy my journey to the new me. i wore my pentacle caftan into my son's elementary school an no one flinched. loved it, wore it out in stores no one flintched. it gives me hope cause years before this journey was harder. now i know one reason the goddess chose now for this to happen. cause society is ready. an its less stress on my heart and mental state. i asked my son if he would rather go trick or treating or do some great samhain family stuff at home. he chose samhain stuff. so we are carving our first family pumpkin, baking sugar cookies even got my mom a coffin shape cookie cutter, paintin smaller pumpkins, and gonna watch great movies.
also some ppl may have noticed i have stopped saying much about my rny bypass on my fb page. i recently got some negative comments as well as some kinda rude demands for me to tell how much i have loss thus far on my fb page.. an for that it makes me regret ever allowing anyone know that i was gettin the procedure. i thought sharing was a good thing. but no one understands how tough this journey is. for those that want to say i took the easy way out or make comments about how theyre losing weight the right way by dieting coodoos. but here is a little inside look for those ppl. shut ur trap. u will have permission to breath in my presence again. when a surgeon severes ur intire stomach. leaving u w a pouch that if ur lucky holds 4oz. mine holds 2.5-3oz  were u have no digestive juices. were ur hair is gonna fall out at 5mnths, were pain an vommiting makes the exercism look lke childs play compaired to what you go threw. and were your are not doin this for some vain thing .ur doin this so your child doesnt find you dead one mornin. so until u have that..shut ur trap.. and as for me not tellin ur my weight...fyi..its my dang weight. its nunya. i do not need to here wow that much. or oh that little, or my friend lost so much more by that point. well im doin by the surgeons way. i am not takin short cuts.
it amazes me on this journey how you get to see how real some people are. when you were all fluffy. an your so called friends were skinny and you were the miserable one. you got told, oh gurl ur beautiful. oh gurl ain't nothing wrong with you, they treated you like a friend. then wam. you go out and do something to better your life. and it amazes me cause people want to assume you are doing it because someone else they or you know has done it. they no nothing of the struggle you have went threw for how ever many years. they know nothing of the fight your doctors have documented an the weight loss failures that are on file or how many years and no one should have to spend there positive energy denfending themselves over and over again. if someone is that shallow then they need not to be in my life. honestly. i take pride in this large journey i am taking on. i am renewing and restrengthening my faith in wiccan and starting to truely teach my son his sabbaths. and at the same time i am trying to stay positive amongst alot of set backs and aches, pains and nausea. but it will not stop me.  i am thankful for this blogspot. for it allows me to clear my head each morning an stay positive.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

determination and positive attitude



each day i wake up, i sit up in bed, with my husband back pillow resting behind me. my big black short haired familiar cat named onyx curled up usually wedged in some part of my body that makes me think omg if i roll over i swear i would squish her. and i look down upon my floor where my hubby has camped out. with his blanket and pillow. sadly since my surgery i have not felt comfortable enough in or around my stomach to have him sleeping in the bed with me. but with all the nausea and random other ailments that happen in the night. he, my mother, and I have all seen fit that he should not sleep to far away. normally i would not care were he sleeps..but since i do have heart issues and those seem to happen random too. i finally stopped arguing with my mother and him. an said yes i will let him camp on the floor. so with my trust bad ass walker at the end of my bed, my cane in reach at all times, and water near by at all times, an a snoring hubby (really fiance but he is more of a hubby than anything) on my floor. i sit, grab my laptop. an usually start out my day. the mornings are really frustrating. cause all i use to do before the rny gastric bypass. i no longer have the desire to do anymore. most of the face book games i don't want to be on. all i want is to catch up on the dieing of thirst feeling i have, and the exhausted feeling. an to get control of both my meds, and vitamin schedule as well as a steady exercise routine. 
i have been blessed that i have a wonderful surgeon and staff plus i already had a wonderful primary doctor and staff. an heart doctor an staff. so all together they make one great team. but with this big life change. it is on me to get control of how things are done. sadly i feel so out of sync. i keep telling myself to make a routine. stick too it. but when you have a hubby that makes your meals. does something an you gotta question the way its prepared so that its to the letter. it gets frustrating. i never realized how frustrating it is. and sadly if i say anything its like i hurt his feelings. so i just try to stay determined. i think what i am gonna do is start doing stuff digitally. so that he can just pull it up and tahdah no altering. he is a gamer. so he would rather short change me. or make alterations that he believes will cut his time later. than to understand it can make me deathly sick or even harm me. well time to wake the snoring man and the snoring cat. and start the day. gotta take all my pills. just keep telling myself..determination an positive attitude. cause with out those two things...I'm screwed

Friday, October 14, 2011

4wks on the journey

4WKS AGO..MORNING OF SURGERY FINAL HEAVY WEIGHT PIC


AS I TAKE ANOTHER STEP UPON THE JOURNEY TO THE NEW ME..I TAKE ONE MORE GLIMPSE BACK AT THE DAYS OF THE PAST. AND THEN TAKE ANOTHER STEP FORWARD INTO THE FUTURE. I LOOK UPON MY CALENDER TO REALIZE THAT 4 WKS TODAY I WAS SITTING IN UVA HOSPITAL WAITING TO BE TAKING INTO TO SURGERY FOR MY GASTRIC BYPASS. 4WKS TODAY THE GODDESS WOKE UP UP AFTER THAT SAME SURGERY AND BREATHED NEW LIFE INTO ME TELLING ME GENTLY INTO MY EAR, "MY CHILD, YOUR JOB IS NOT DONE, IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BE REBORN FROM THE ASHES, AWAKE AN STAND AT MY SIDE ON YOUR JOURNEY TO A NEW LIFE." AND 4WKS AGO TODAY I TOOK THE FIRST STEP TO RIDDING MYSELF OF ALL THAT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE ON THIS PATH WITH ME. SO AS I REACH MY 4 WK MARK TODAY. I STILL AM HEALING UP INTERNALLY, I'M ON REGULAR FOOD, I'VE LOST WEIGHT THAT I WILL NOT DISCLOSE ON FB, TWITTER, OR IN MY BLOG JUST , AND I WORK HARD TO STAY POSITIVE AN FIND AN DISPLAY THE TRUE ME. SO ON THIS DAY I HOPE EVERYONE TAKES A POSITIVE STEP ON THERE JOURNEY WERE EVER IT TAKES THEM. AN MERRY MEET, MERRY PART, MERRY MEET AGAIN. BLESSED BE

Sunday, October 9, 2011

the journey to a healthier me....gastric bypass...3wks 2days post op

well it has been a little over 3 weeks since i underwent one of the most major surgeries a person can endure. I dixiewitch had a gastric bypass. 3 wks later. im still struggling to get close to being able to ingest 4oz of solid food. (well blended food or soft food) but has found ways to get my protien in. healing process has been a tough one. recently learning that type two diabetics even if sugars are maintained they still struggle an have slower healing times than the average non diabetic. so my outer skin is healing very well. but my insides are very tender in places. also i have had many food allergies, many difficulties with foods that i once could eat but now are not able to tolerate anymore. an each time i suffer with a nausea issue or bad food tolerance issue that results in not keeping food down. my insides seem to become more na more tender. an irritated. due to the fact that narcotic medications can cause constipation an addiction. i chose not to take the medications they tell me to unless i am in unbearable pain that i have no choice. all i know is that this is a new journey. an i am not looking back. staying positive. moving forward. and gonna do my best to live my life to the fullest. an give my life a second chance to become the woman i know i should be.

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