Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Dusting off my keyboard to speak about the darkness



Lets talk about the darkness!


So, yesterday as I awoke and turned on facebook my wall was covered in so much  information and news it was confusing at first. I was in actual shock and awe at what i was reading. yet unsure if any of it was true. Till I actually did my research and verified the information. You see, yesterday we loss a amazing Gamer, actor and comedian by the name of Robin Williams. Even though it is still under investigation it is said that his death was a apparent suicide due to Asphyxiation. You see amongst the smiles and laughter, the red carpets , the movie premiers, the appearances with his wife on his arm. and the amazing loving fatherly tweets to his daughter Zelda. Robin was battling Depression. Now some may know that the fact is, there are many types of depression. different levels so to speak. no one has stated how bad his was. nor what all his mental state had reached. But in the end, the one thing we do know is that even amongst having a loving wife that was considered his best friend, a daughter he loved, and some great friends. He still felt that life was not bearable anymore. And it is believed that he took his life. 
Now this is what I came on to yesterday. I seen many things on my facebook wall. which by mid-day i actually just got off facebook and did not return due to it all. I seen people calling him weak, saying stuff about it was a sin to take your life. (IE..you don't know his faith , so shut it seriously)..I seen people that I like to call "the cause people"..if there is a cause in life...they will jump on it. some people call them bandwagon people.. i call them cause people. cause in one week..they will fight for gun control, then see a cause for NRA so post about it, then someone is fighting a invisible illness so their page is blown up with the invisible illness info, all the way to if it has a ribbon for it..you can bet you will find a ribbon of all the colors on their page some were. now that is fine. but be real. don't do it for attention. support these causes and issues because you believe in them. not because someone dies that is famous, or because it was posted on someone Else's page and said share please.  now with those people..there was the lovely group of bible thumpers that spent their day condemning robin for his suicide and saying that he was gonna burn in hell. and even the people that decided that to justify there own treatment and or neglect of friends that may be suffering. they spammed the 1800 suicide number with robin Williams photo attached to it..with some statement that said something about ..in memory of robin Williams ...share this suicide hot line number to save a friend.  and the best i seen..was people blasting there pages and statuses decided who with depression really have it or not. based on how they talk about it, hide it, or what they do when they hit a bad time. some believe that you don't have real depression and that you are attention whores if you talk about your condition. some people think you are just lazy ass people that want to sit home and collect a check off the government if you admit to having depression. or when you hit a moment of  deep darkness. a post is made. some even went as far as to say if you have ever spoken about your condition and or have let people know that you have depression, or mental health conditions . then you do not really have them. because people that really have them want to hide it. not tell others.  now for me. that was the kicker for me to get offline yesterday. 
you see, I am a survivor. A survivor of many things. and I have been in therapy for many things. one thing my therapist loves about me. is that I refuse to deny what has happened to me. and what I am suffering with. that I use my suffering to let others that may silently suffer know that there is someone else out there in this world that has or is going through it. and that is willing to be a shoulder if they need one. and I show them that you can survive some of the most horrific things that can happen to a person. just like I have mental illnesses that have left me permanently disabled. and medicated. there is no option due to the type of mental illnesses  for me to not take medications for some of them. some i had a choice not to and i do not. but the ones that there is no choice i take them and do it proudly.  
The fact is, I will never sit and tell anyone on this earth that their depression , or bipolar, or ptsd is fake. just because they chose to talk about it. just because maybe unbeknownst to me they have therapist that have maybe worked with them and want them not to hide it. (OK logically i doubt any Dr wants them tatting it to their body..but who knows..maybe some shrinks want them to not hide it because maybe they were like me..when i hid it..i became a cutter) so maybe they because idk..a substance abuse person or abusive to others or a danger to themselves. idk who knows what is happening in their lives. 
the simple fact is this, some of the most happiest sunshine, rainbow, unicorn farting skittles while ruining across a rainbow sky guru type people that always seem to be so zen, and happy, and so damn fru fru and full of laughs and never have any negativity enter there life. may actually be some of the biggest sufferers of the disease. just like some of the ones that post their emotions or take breaks. may only have those status set to be viewed by a select set of people. and thanks to facebook. if you are viewing it. you do not know who else is viewing it. only the person posting it knows who is viewing it. so what may seem like they are wearing there heart on their sleeve and telling the world they are sad. may actually be 10 people being told they are hitting a manic point. or them reaching out for help to people they thought really was friends.
Sadly it takes a death of someone famous to always bring out the true side of people. we lost Michael Jackson. his doctor gave him to much drugs. bam..people talked about drug use, and the proper use of prescription drugs. Whitney Houston. bam..OD/...don't do drugs..seek help...Paul walker...deadly crash..car safety...driving to fast. now robin Williams. suicide and depression..and its a battle between people trying to be the boss of others in this world. and saying what they dictate as the facts.. but the fact is. no one on this earth can say if another person's depression or bipolar is fake or real. if you chose to judge another person based on how you would react if you had it, or how someone in your family or circle of friends react to it. or even how celebrities managed to hide theirs. in the end. it will not be a celebrity next time you mourn. it could be someone you told you were there friend. but then judge. 

so my point is this.. we lost a amazing gamer, a amazing actor, and a amazing comedian all in one sudden action. he struggled and battled with depression. it was known that he had it. but know one knew that it had become that bad. 
but just because he as a actor was able to hide it, and preform and hide it even from his own wife, does not mean that the people that try to talk to you as a so called friend, or reach out to those that have called themselves family, friends, or at least someone they could come to in their time of need. it does not mean their depression is any less real. that is like when someone tells someone with depression well at least its not cancer. wtf is that shit. why do ya say stuff like that. seriously. don't compare people. learn that the world is made up of different types of people. and if everyone keeps silences those that really need someone to turn to. there will be a hell of alot more deaths in this world soon enough. no one wants to feel like they can not turn to someone for fear of being judged or made fun of. or not believed. or for fear that someone is always gonna be to busy for them. 

so evaluate your friends, associates, acquaintances, and even those people you only pretend to still be close  Friends with that you really could care less if they died . see if any of those people are or may be in dire need. see what you can do. maybe someone is hurting and is afraid to come to you because yawl aren't close anymore. or their depression or mental illness makes them feel so hated in the head that they believe you want them to kill themselves. you never know. check on your friends. CHECK ON PEOPLE> DO SOMETHING!!!!

OK...and as for me...yep i am not a attention whore. nope don't give a damn if people know i have bipolar..my bipolar is not the cute happy then sometimes sad one..nope its bipolar #2..its 90 percent sad and 10 percent happy. yet i still bust my ass each day to do my best to cheer others up and show others love. my life is not important to me. my friends lives are the things that keep me going. keeping them happy, loved and not feeling the misery that i do inside. makes me survive each day. and you know what. i am OK with that. so you can say you know one person that has depression, ptsd, anxiety, bipolar, etc. ...and if you ever need to chat...i am just a facebook inbox or Gmail away. 

i can't judge someone else. when i walk this darkness myself

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